kids committing suicide: what can we do?

Kids Committing Suicide: What Can We Do?

I learned this week that a young man committed suicide, and I crumbled.

Suicide committed by anyone gets to me, but when it’s a young person, with his or her life in front of them, I lose it.

I remember my mother saying when I would say I was tired that that couldn’t be true – that all I did was go to school. Her saying that always made me feel kind of bad but regardless of that, I still felt genuine fatigue.

She also told me that being depressed was selfish. When you’re depressed, she explained, all you think about is yourself, and that’s selfish.

I didn’t know what to do with that, because I was honestly depressed. I was an outlier in my family, and I felt that, but it wasn’t new. I had lived in foster care for some years as a toddler, up to the age of 4, and was always reminded that I didn’t belong. I don’t know why I was in foster care or why it was necessary, except that my mother was away for long stretches of time, and I only got to spend spates of time with her.

I learned how to be alone with myself. It felt safer than trying to fit in with the new family or be accepted and coddled by my mother.

After she got married, she spent much of her time trying to be accepted by the new family, which didn’t like her. I don’t know why they didn’t like her, but I remember saying that they all had college degrees and she hadn’t graduated from high school. That made her “less than” in their eyes – or so she believed – so she worked hard to fit into the family. She worked full-time but eventually decided to get her GED and apply to college. She was accepted to college and was an all-A student, but the year after she began college she died.

I was depressed all through middle and high school, but I didn’t say anything about it except that one time when I shared I was depressed with my mother, who told me that being depressed was selfish. So, I carried my scarred soul quietly, saying nothing to anyone. I was an emotional wreck and actually tried to commit suicide once by taking too many aspirin, but one of my sisters saw me and my mother got me to vomit them up.

I remember those days. My depression ebbed and flowed; sometimes it was worse than at other times, but it was always there. The worst part of it was feeling like I couldn’t talk to anyone. I remember truly wanting to die, but I didn’t go through with it. I know the pain, though, and when young people commit suicide, their agony crawls into my soul.

I think I know why I was depressed, but I wonder the reasons why kids are depressed to the point of suicide now. Is it because of the rancid political climate? Is it because they do not feel safe going to school and are reminded of their fears every time a crazed shooter bursts into a space that is supposed to be safe and fun and mows their friends down like they are inanimate objects, not worth thinking about or protecting?

Is it because so many kids struggle with their sexuality and have parents who would kick them out of the house if they knew? Is it because they feel like they are not enough – just as they are? Their thoughts of suicide exist in spite of them going to church. Are they drawn to suicide because they cannot find peace or honesty or love or compassion anywhere – not even in the church – but instead find an ethos of domination and authoritarianism that is killing their spirits?

When two young social justice activists committed suicide here in Columbus some years ago, I ached. I felt that familiar pain and wondered why they felt so bad, so hopeless, that they took their own lives. I wondered if we who worked with them had missed signs that they gave out, albeit subtly. I wondered if we should have had sessions after fighting over some issue to debrief, reassess, recommit, and refuel. These two young people (their suicides were about a year and a half apart) were shining stars. They looked like they had it all together, but they did not. More recently, a young man, a brilliant scholar, killed himself. He was always quiet and stayed to himself; he struggled because he was gay and his parents could not and would not accept him. But he wouldn’t talk about it, except in small tidbits.

We are living in such a volatile environment. The guardrails to protect us and what we have always believed have all but disappeared. The things we used to be able to believe in – democracy, civility, and the desire of elected officials to protect us, we can no longer trust. When I was little, I never worried about the country falling apart. There was the Cuban missile crisis, but it wasn’t an ongoing issue, spewed out over the airwaves day after day. I never worried about people with guns coming into my school or anyone else’s school for that matter and killing my friends. We had air raids (the result of bombs dropped in other countries during the country’s two world wars), where we were made to go into the hallway and stand close to the lockers for a set amount of time, and we had fire drills, which I loved because we got to go outside – still in lines – so we would know what to do if the school were ever on fire.

But those drills were fun, perfunctory. Nobody was really scared, not like kids and young people are today.

There were social problems, yes, but for some reason, they seemed workable. It didn’t feel like everything was falling apart at the same time. When I was growing up, neither political party wanted to be “friends” with countries that meant us no good. When I was growing up I believed that though lower courts could not or would not listen to the cries of the people, there was the US Supreme Court and I believed that it was truly “supreme.” I believed that our systems demanded truth in journalism and that there were penalties for spewing lies.

And I believed in God, not “a” god that supported hatred and bigotry, but a God who demanded that we treat each other as human beings worthy of respect.

So much of that has eroded in recent years, and I wonder how the youth and the children are dealing with it, and how the adults are supposed to help them – or if they can.

Anyone committing suicide should bother us, but young people committing suicide should give us pause and force us to rethink what we are and are not doing. It seems that we have displaced God in preference for power and money. Some want this country to be run by Christians. What is a Christian in this day and time? And there’s this: a theocracy is not going to stem the tide of distressed and depressed children and youth. It is not going to stop the hatred, bigotry, and greed for power and money that we are experiencing now.

I hope we realize that before too many young people give up trying to live. If being depressed is selfish, I would bet that there are a lot of selfish people walking around but not talking about their pain. I would bet that there are a lot more people on the brink of suicide, or who are drowning in addictions to try to feel better. That possible reality should bother everyone.

A candid observation …

“The Law” Is Not the Same for EVERYONE

I have been anxious and unsettled as I have watched the events surrounding the former president and his friends as they have come to the realization that they will have to answer for what they have allegedly done wrong.

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I have been in the process of trying to understand what “the law” is, what “law and order” really means, and in light of that, the definition of justice. I honestly do not understand how this nation or any nation, for example, can have a law or a constitution that allows a person who has been indicted for a number of offenses to run for any public office, especially the president of the United States. I am offended that he is being allowed …that “the law” is permitting him to run.

Every time I hear that the former president is leading in the polls to become the Republican nominee for president, I literally shudder.

When I compare the situation with the former president to situations involving other people who have done (or been indicted for) far less egregious offenses, my puzzlement – and perhaps a good amount of resentment – kicks in. I’ve been trying to understand what it is I want to say.

And I finally got it. I heard a quote by a man named Frank Wilhoit, who said, “Conservatism consists of exactly one proposition, to wit: There must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect.”

Although the statement is apparently attributed to the wrong Frank Wilhoit (there was an elder Wilhoit, a politician, to whom the statement is frequently attributed but it was actually spoken by a younger man, a musician, whose name is also Frank Wilhoit. (https://slate.com/business/2022/06/wilhoits-law-conservatives-frank-wilhoit.html) its power is the same. Justice under the law is not a given, notwithstanding this country’s claim to being “exceptional.”

When I heard those words, it was like the lights went on in my mind. I realized I had been trying to unpack what seems to be the norm in this country and perhaps globally. “The law,” is selectively obeyed and respected. The code of behavior and expectations set in place by the government is not intended to apply in the same way to “the least of these” as it applies to the wealthy or the privileged. Those who are not in high places or who have friends in high places operate under an entirely different legal system. There is no such thing as “equal protection under the law.”

We hear “law and order” when violence erupts after groups of people get fed up with being marginalized and ignored and oppressed by the government. What governments want those who are being oppressed or discriminated against is to be quiet and accept what it doles out.

During the Nixon administration, we heard the demand for “law and order” from the president and from his vice president, Spiro Agnew. Agnew, and many Americans, resented the anger expressed through violence in the streets of major cities in this country by Black people after the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated.

Agnew responded with a caustic statement, “Why don’t impoverished white Americans riot? Could it be that they know they will not meet with sympathy, that collective white lawlessness will not be tolerated?”

He went on, “It is not the centuries of racism and deprivation that have built to an explosive crescendo but the fact that lawbreaking has become a socially acceptable and occasionally stylish form of dissent.” (“Spiro Agnew, the Forgotten Americans and the Rise of the New Right”. The Historian.)

What he did not say was that white-collar crime – the types of crimes he committed that eventually forced him out of office – was considered by those of his ilk to be a “stylish form of dissent.”

Agnew was stoking the embers of racism and white fear; that remark was directed toward angry Blacks who had converged on the streets and thus assuage the anxiety of white people, but the pushback against anyone who resorted to violence in order to be heard was met with the same insistence that there would be law and order. Anti-war demonstrators bore the brunt of police brutality and were arrested in large numbers because they dared challenge the legality of the participation of the United States in the Viet Nam War, and so did anyone that was fed up with systemic injustice.

Segregation laws were enforced. Lawless, extra-judicial acts of violence were permitted. Anti -LGBTQIA laws will be enforced. Book bans put in place by law will be enforced. The prohibition of AP African American history courses will be enforced. Gerrymandering will be allowed. Voting laws will be ignored. Anti-abortion laws will be enforced, which will undoubtedly result in suffering by women and, anxiety on the part of healthcare workers who will be afraid to perform necessary procedures o save the lives of women who are having problem pregnancies. Making those groups of people obey “the law” will be a primary concern of law enforcement, but wealthy white people who can purchase the freedom of accountability will be able to ignore the laws that will put others in jail.

Police can commit murder – i.e., they can shoot unarmed people and get away with it as long as they say “I was in fear for my life.” For them, only a very few are ever held accountable to the civic and moral law that says, “Thou shall not murder.”

Perhaps the pinnacle of the wrongness of a universal, equitable practice of law and order can be seen in our local, state, and federal governments. Powerful people are openly flouting “the law.” From the former president to members of his inner circle, “the law” has been ignored, and while there apparently are no laws requiring certain ethical behavior on the part of US Supreme Court justices, the fact that the powers that be seem willing to ignore the flagrant violations that have been reported on the part of some justices is appalling.

We, the people, are held to a standard of behavior that the wealthy and powerful feel free to ignore.

It is somewhat comforting that those who worked to overthrow this country have been held accountable. When people see people breaking laws, or when evidence keeps coming up that reveals lawbreaking, it causes real anger when those involved are given a pass and their actions are dismissed. It is good that some of those who participated in the coup attempt on January 6, 2021, have been arrested and sentenced. One needs only recall the anger that erupted in the streets of Los Angeles when the four white officers who were caught on tape beating Rodney King were acquitted, and the uprising that happened after the white officer who shot and killed Michael Brown was acquitted brought about the same kind of anger. It is one thing to think and believe that there is unequal treatment under “the law;” it is quite another thing to see it. The human psyche can only take so much before it breaks under the pressure of injustice.

It is troubling. Where does one find justice in this country and in this world if one does not have enough money to purchase it?

This is not a nation of laws. “Law and order” is a catchphrase that says to this culture, “We will stop those people ( Black, Brown, women, LGBTQIA,) who dare challenge the government through violence.

There is something very wrong with our government and the way “the law” is used, understood, and applied.

A candid observation

Pining for the Good Old Days That Never Were

I have been stuck since Nikki Haley, a Republican desiring to be president, uttered the most profoundly insulting words I have heard in a long time.

“Do you remember when you were growing up, do you remember how simple life was, how easy it felt? It was about faith, family, and country. We can have that again, but to do that, we must vote Joe Biden out,” she said. https://www.bostonglobe.com/2023/06/27/opinion/renee-graham-nikki-haley-2024-gop-trump/#:~:text=“Do%20you%20remember%20when%20you,must%20vote%20Joe%20Biden%20out.”)

I was stunned. The statement was so ignorant and insensitive that I just got stuck. What do you say to something like that? Her words took me back to the lyrics of the song, “The Way We Were” sung by Barbra Streisand in the movie of the same name:

Memories
Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were

Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?

Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply to choose to forget

So it’s the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were
The way we were

For whom was life so simple? Surely, if you were white and middle class or higher, it was a lot easier than it was for everyone else, including poor people – be they white and living in rural areas or Black and Brown, living in urban areas. For the white, middle, and upper classes, it was easy to remain in their silos and be able to tune out the difficult lives lived by so many people. Maybe they had lives where the mom dressed for a day’s work as a housewife in a shirtdress, accessorized with pearls and an apron like white television mothers were often portrayed.

But that wasn’t the life of the masses. The lives of people trying to make it did not allow a lapse into fantasy. Life was “no crystal stair” for those who had to work 2-3 jobs to make ends meet. Racism and sexism were issues that badly affected many people. Black soldiers were frequently killed when they returned from fighting in World Wars I and II, and veterans of the Vietnam War were treated like misfits because America was ashamed of losing a war that the country should never have entered.

Blacks, whites, and Jews were marching together and getting attacked and/or killed because they dared stand up to the racist American system. Leaders who were trying to make a difference – including the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, President John Kennedy, and Robert Kennedy – were mercilessly assassinated. All over the world, there was an eruption of antisemitism, resulting in what has been labeled the “swastika epidemic.” (https://www.wilsoncenter.org/event/the-swastika-epidemic-global-antisemitism-and-human-rights-activism-the-cold-war-1960s)

In the days of Haley’s youth, it was not only Black people and Jews who were hated. Roman Catholics were also hated. (https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2015/09/when-america-hated-catholics-213177/)

Medgar Evers was assassinated in the driveway of his own home. Black and White kids were beaten and killed because they participated in the movement to end segregation. Three Civil Rights workers, one Black and two Jewish, were murdered because they, too, were working to dismantle the racist system of this country. Emmett Till was murdered by white guys who were acquitted and bragged that they had in fact killed the teenager.

The United States dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. An estimated 418,000 Americans died in World War II. An estimated of 2-3 million civilians on both sides are said to have been killed during 58 the Vietnam War. An estimated 200,000-250,000 South Vietnamese soldiers died, and over 58,000 American soldiers either died or were/are listed as missing.

So, what “simple” and “easy life” was Nikki talking about? Was she completely shielded from what was going on? Was she so sheltered that she did not know what this country was going through? And did she get a message that if people were suffering, it was not because of racism or sexism or poverty or immoral policies being passed; it was because they deserved the way they lived because they were lazy?

I am still stunned by her words. I’m angry at Ron DeSantis saying that slavery was “beneficial” for Black people and that enslaved Africans actually benefitted from slavery because they were taught skills (https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/07/22/desantis-slavery-curriculum/) and inferred that Africans wanted to come here and did so, willingly. That discussion is for another article.

But Nikki Haley’s words stung. The sheer ignorance and insensitivity were astounding. “Can it be that life was so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line…What’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget”

Out of respect for all for whom life was not so simple, I wish that Nikki Haley would just sit down and be quiet. Her voice is tainted with ignorance and insensitivity because of her blind ambition; it seems that she will say anything to pander to the group of people who are pushing racial, gender, religious, and ethnic discord.

We don’t need you, Nikki. This country just does not need you.

A candid observation…

On Affirmative Action: We’ll BE OK

Ever since the US Supreme Court issued its ruling on Affirmative Action, I’ve been stewing – not as much because of the ruling, but because I am sick and tired of the majority culture’s belief that without it, we, people of African descent, can do nothing.

Before Affirmative Action existed, Black people were getting to college in some way – including Harvard, Yale, and the other Ivy League schools. Our numbers were not great at those schools, but we were there, in spite of Jim Crow and all the other roadblocks the majority culture put up to keep us out of college -period.

Not only did we get into the elite schools, in spite of their restrictive numbers, but we built our own institutions – what we today call HBCUs – Historically Black Colleges and Universities. We were as determined to get an education as the majority culture was determined that we not get an education. And, it is important to note, that there were white people and white organizations that helped us including the American Missionary Association which, through what is now known as the United Church of Christ, helped establish six HBCUs – Fisk, Talladega, Lemoyne-Owens, Dillard, Huston-Tillotson, and Toogaloo.

The first Black student to get admitted to Harvard was Richard Theodore Greener, who graduated in 1870. Since him, other African Americans were admitted to Harvard College, including W.E.B. DuBois, Monroe Trotter, Alain Locke, and Martin Delany, who was admitted to the Harvard Medical School. Harvard would only admit 12 Black students per year, but that was enough for the movement leaders. Affirmative Action notwithstanding, the percentage of African American students is currently about 6.5 percent, compared to 43 percent of white students who are admitted on the basis of their family legacy of attending Harvard.

The 6.5 percent of Black students is what has the majority culture all up in arms, yelling “unfair!” and “racist?” That is categorically ridiculous, especially as “affirmative action” for legacy admissions was left untouched.

The decision has some up in arms because they want – and feel – that some intervention is needed to assure Black and Brown students a fair chance of being admitted at the so-called elite schools that may not happen due to this ruling – and that may be the case – but the fact is, African Americans were finding ways to get into colleges and universities long before Affirmative Action came to be, and the lack of acknowledgment of that fact is what has me up in arms.

Colleges and universities were connected to the slave trade (https://newrepublic.com/article/121382/forgotten-racist-past-american-universities), and many professors in white colleges opposed any Black person being admitted because they believed Black people were intellectually inferior to whites – therefore, should not be admitted. (https://newrepublic.com/article/121382/forgotten-racist-past-american-universities)

In spite of those types of actions on the part of white colleges, universities, and professional schools, Black people persisted. We learned at home and at church that education was vital in order for us to be able to compete in this country and in the world, and so we, with help from our communities and families, made a way. And while it may be the case that many qualified Black students did not choose to apply to the so-called elite white schools for many reasons, including cost, the fact is, Black students got into colleges and universities at about the same rate as white students, according to a study done by the Brookings Institute. (https://www.brookings.edu/articles/racial-and-ethnic-preference/)

This SCOTUS ruling is really about keeping race from being considered for admission to the so-called elite colleges and universities. Of the approximately 4000 colleges and universities in this country, only a small percentage – less than 10 percent – use a highly selective admissions process, of which race, in the case of Harvard and UNC, is one of the factors. Those who say this is a bad day for African Americans say that if the percentage of Black students is curtailed at these elite schools now that Affirmative Action, as it has been understood ceases, say so partly because it is at these schools where there exists the networks of students who can and very often do become the next leaders of the country.

That, to many, is the most salient reason to celebrate the SCOTUS ruling. Many in the majority culture still do not believe that Black people should be included in the pool of people who will make laws and policies that will define this nation and its ultimate form of government, or become leaders – especially the president. Barack Obama’s presidency was not supposed to happen, and in reality, it offended many.

But I think the majority culture – and others who likewise adhere to majority culture values and beliefs – forget that Black people have been trained by this oppressive system to scale the barriers that have always been put before us in order to keep us in “our” place. We learned to read though that was illegal. We became doctors and nurses and mathematicians. We became physicists and chemists scientists, attorneys, and judges – not because of the majority culture but in spite of it. We are resilient, tenacious, and faith-filled people who have had to jump hurdles and keep on pushing forward in spite of being denied our rights as American citizens. We have been lynched, lied to, lied about, dehumanized, criminalized, brutalized, looked over, and walked over – and yet, we have continued to push through it all and we are still standing.

The SCOTUS case might keep some Black and Brown people out of the elite schools, but that will not stop us from pushing against the blatant racism that this country has incubated and grown. America has not learned yet that racism doesn’t work. It cannot keep oppressed people down forever because the spirit that exists in all human beings including Black people will not rest as long as the discrimination continues.

African Americans have been in an abusive relationship with the majority culture since we were brought here from Africa to build this economy. We have endured the inequality and systemic racism that the majority culture says does not exist and we will continue to do so. You, America, taught us how to struggle, but, as Celie, one of the main characters in Alice Walker’s The Color Purple said when she was leaving her abusive husband/stepfather/rapist, “Until you do right by me, everything you do will fail.”

To those who are celebrating the SCOTUS decisions that are taking away the rights of so many, and specifically the rights of Black people, I repeat Celie’s words, “Until you do right by us, everything you do will crumble and ultimately fail.

A candid observation…

African Americans are still considered to be a problem

As a child coming to a realization of what it meant to be Black in this country, I was relieved to “study” President Abraham Lincoln, who, we were told “freed the slaves.”

What we were not told or taught was that while disliked slavery, he did not believe that Black people were equal to whites and that the best way to deal with the “problem” of their being in the United States was to get them to move – to go somewhere else so that whites could live in this country without the menace of their presence.

In 1862, he said to a group of Blacks he had invited to the White House to discuss resettling Blacks in Caribbean Islands or perhaps sending them “back” to Africa, he said, “Your race suffer from living among us while ours suffer from your presence…It is better, therefore, for us to be separated.” (https://www.history.com/news/abraham-lincoln-black-resettlement-haiti)

He had thoroughly looked into places to which Americans of African descent could be sent, and with a man named Bernard Kock, an entrepreneur and cotton planter who lived in Florida had settled upon a plan that would use federal funds to send 5,000 African Americans to Cow Island, located off the coast of Haiti, where they would work on a cotton plantation, receive access to housing, hospitals, and schools, and after working on the plantations for four years, would be given 16 acres and wages for the work they had done over those four years.

The agreement was made the night before Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation.

While federal funds were allocated to support the emigration (expulsion) of 5,000 formerly enslaved persons, only 453 made the maiden journey. Once on Cow Island, they lived horrific lives. There were no houses; they slept on the ground in huts made with foliage from the island. There were no hospitals; they suffered and many died from illnesses they contracted while there. Kock was with them during this disastrous project, and when the wretched, expelled American citizens rose up to rebel, he fled.

It is clear that African Americans are still considered to be a problem. We are not wanted here in spite of the fact that it was our labor that built this economy. Whiteness and an almost desperate effort to hold onto white power, privilege, and control still result in the lives of African Americans being made more miserable than white citizens.

The stress of being Black in this country cannot be overstated. Our white brothers and sisters to not want to believe it or hear it; they are adamant about claiming that they are not racist, nor is the system racist, but the facts cannot be ignored. African Americans are still the targets of state-sanctioned violence, discrimination in housing and health care, unfair economic policies, and criticism for speaking out about any of it. A recent PBS documentary exploring the maternal health and death rates of pregnant Black women includes accounts of Black women whose health issues during pregnancy were ignored, causing serious post-partum health issues, and in many cases, death of the mother. (https://www.pbs.org/video/surviving-pregnancy-as-a-black-woman-6o33so/), and the repeal of Roe v Wade unfortunately will probably mean that the horrid statistics for pregnant Black women will only get worse.

We are still a “problem.” The narrative was created a long time ago that we were the problem, not the system that created laws and policies that from the beginning worked against us. Former US Secretary of Education Betsy Vos recently, in talking about the low numbers of American students knowing American history cited CRT, learning about diversity and inclusion, and history included in the 1619 Project as the reason, instead of students learning about the US Constitution and Thomas Jefferson. (https://www.foxnews.com/video/6326762773112) The attack on American history including more about the history of African Americans is only getting stronger, as white parents, educators, and politicians continue to try to keep the history of white supremacy in this country where the narrative has placed it, effectively allowing the narratives that have been the substance of bigotry against Black students in place. To be “woke” to them is to seek a deeper truth about America’s history with Black people, which they absolutely do not want.

Many white Americans still want the “problem,” i.e., African Americans, to go away. They want an all-white America, which they believe was the intent of God in allowing or leading the Pilgrims to cross the Atlantic Ocean from England to get here. They clearly believe that “America” is supposed to be a white nation, and that an American citizen includes only white people. They want people of color deported, removed, and forgotten – unless and until, of course, they need their bodies for cheap labor in order to maintain the American economy.

Abraham Lincoln’s spirit lives on – not so much, for me, because he “freed” enslaved people, but because in the end, he was no less racist than the planters and citizens who wanted African Americans to be put out of the country whose economy was built by their unpaid labor.