I have finally come to an understanding of what being “shy” is all about.
It is about low self-esteem and fear.
I am shy. I am animated when I present, when I preach, when I teach, but when my public performance is over, I am terrified of interacting with people. I am not good at it.
I am afraid to call meetings, even board meetings, because I am afraid of rejection.
I call it shy. It is worse than that.
I am fond of saying that there can be no reconciliation until there is truth- telling. Today, I am telling the truth.
I have never reached out to people. In therapy, I learned that because of my childhood, I learned to be isolated. It was safe. Where there is no interaction, there can be no rejection. My mother was gone …somewhere…and I lived with foster parents. My mother said my biological dad didn’t want me.
Cool. I stayed by myself. My only real connection was with my mother, who was gone somewhere and only came to Detroit, to the home of my foster family, intermittently.
I learned to be a loner.
My entire professional life, I have been a loner. Didn’t seek people out, people who did what I did, who could have helped me and with whom I could have had really good friendships.
I formed a board for Crazy Faith and have never called a meeting because I am afraid.
I have an urge to call for a vigil to address all the craziness that is going on in this country, but have not, because I am afraid. “Shy,” I call it, but it is really fear.
I had learned to be a loner.
As I raised my two children, I realized I had a problem and did see, thank goodness, that life is about relationships. I encouraged, pushed my children to make relationships, which they have done.
Score for me on that one.
But I, who call myself “shy,” who has a ministry called “crazy faith,” and who teaches that fear and faith cannot exist in the same sphere, the same space, live in fear. Fear of rejection, mostly.
Sharing this is scary, but necessary. I am determined to grow.
“Shy” is a misnomer. It is low self-esteem, based on fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough.
A candid observation…